Recently, I saw the photos of an acquaintances at instagram. My friend is her follower.
It really bring back memories. How do I describe my feeling after I saw her face for the first time after a long time ago.
In the past, I might describe this feeling as a ‘happy’ feeling, a feelin good vibes. But, as for me now, rather than describing it as a good feeling, I feel it as a little bit uncomfortable.
I don’t know why. I don’t understand the reason. But I think this is really bad. It’s not someone’s fault. It’s my problem.
This is incurable weakness in my mind (or maybe my heart)
I was always thinking. Why I was born this way? This kind of feeling is already implanted into my mind since the first time life coming into my living flesh when I still in my mother womb.
It’s not activated when I’m still a child, and it’s activated ever since the first time I took interest about one girl when I’m still at middle school. It’s gone wild since then.
I can’t remember how much pain has been inflicted by that kind of thought until now.
This is just like ecstasy.
It feels good, but it really destroy your mind in the long term.
I knew it from my experiences.
A Way Out?
One sage once said : Don’t fight your feeling. Be peace with them, but don’t let them take control of your mind. Well, it’s easier to say than to do it in the real life.
But I think it’s worth a try.
Just like when you invite a guest into your house. You let them in, but you won’t let them touch anything in your house.
It’s the same with feelings. Let them in , all those feelings, but never let them touch any parts of your sanity, even if you have to use force to prevent them from getting wild.
It’s about respect. The land lord has to earn respect from his tenants. You’re the land lord, and the feelings is the tenants. If the land lord starting to act like the tenants, the once used to be a land lord will become the tenants, and the tenants (which is feelings) will in turn be the land lord.
You have to distinguish yourself from all of the tenants. You have to be calm, and composed with the compassion as your adviser.
All of those feelings created not for nothing. But it has to be controlled. Just like a dad teaching her daughter about what’s good and what’s bad. When they’re starting to become evil, confine them so it won’t create more chaos.
How to become a respected land lord?
You have to become calm. So calm that all the fuss about anything won’t make you feel panic or discomfort. It doesn’t associate with being slow. Being calm means unshakeable, steadfast, and never get bothered by any kind of annoyance (which is hard).
Whatever problems that arise, the land lord will have to carefully assess the situation and give a proper response depending on the gravity of the situation.
So it’s not only the case to be able to become calm, this is also a case to be wise at making decision about what should and shouldn’t be done.
It’s not wise to ask someone about that.
Wise is the concept made by the society to judge whether one decision is for the good for everyone and also for oneself. But it’s always relative. What’s good and what’s bad? who has the right to judge that?
Everyone has the right to make the judgement, but who’s the authentic one?
No one can answer that.!
But everyone should have find an answer on their own. This is my life, and that’s your life. You need to find yourself an answer, and I’ll find it for my own.
But one thing is sure. When there’s too much activity in your brain, you can’t see clearly about what’s going on in front of you.
( I warn you, from now on it’s going to be more technical. So be prepared !)
If there’s too much noise inside your mind, you won’t hear anything useful, because all of it will just distract you from the truth. When your mind is clear, you can see as clearly as a bright clear sky. Everything is naked ! (Don’t ever think about anything erotic !)
So when you’re about to solve some complicated situation, you have to think about it clearly, and forget about everything. Tell your feelings (happiness, sadness, jealousy, worries, boredom, etc) to shut their mouth for a moment.
You have to forget about yourself too, about who you are, your dream, your aspiration, your interest, etc.. because it’s all the friends of your feelings. They all created by how you feel about something and sometimes it will only get in the way, clouding your thoughts and making you to choose the wrong path.
Once your mind clear from any kind of distraction, focus on your breath. Your breath is now your only companion. Let it be like that for a couple of minutes (usually 15 minutes on average).
When you feel that the mind is clear and in a peaceful atmosphere,
slowly invite the ‘land lord’ (which is the personification of yourself) to come into the boundless space inside your mind. When he is ready, ask him (ask yourself) about your issues.
If it’s going as planned, you’ll see the problem from a completely different point of view. If this is your first, you might get shocked that you never thought about anything like this before.
Sometimes, the answer that come out is not merely a way out, but much more of a way to respond, to act with certain attitude. That’s good enough.
Trust your ‘land lord’, trust yourself. If you have to, forgive yourself.
Although this is a little bit out of topic, think about cancer. Is it a bad cells or a good cells? The bad cells defies the order because of some problems. The problems arise because the lack of leadership and coordination in the body immune system. Just like a rebellion. It happens because of the dissatisfaction towards the leader and the government.
if you (as leader) can make your people to live in harmony then there will be no rebellion, no bad cells, no cancer, nothing. Your mind and your body will be healthy as well.
Back to the topic.
As for me.. what am I going to do? I called my own feeling as a ‘poison’, didn’t I?
Yes, it’s still a poison. I asked the ‘land lord’ and this is what the ‘land lord’ said about that :
“Whatever name you call it, that feeling is just normal. Almost everyone has it. Where does this feeling come from?
It came from desire, of wanting something and it become a poisonous because that feeling is become stronger and you start to lose control over it. Where does that strength come from?
It’s you who gave ‘him’ that strength. He keeps on making acts to draw your attention. Your attention is his source of strength. The more you give him attention, the more he become important and ultimately become stronger.
What should you do?
Don’t kill him. Don’t starve him. Because although he is a little bit stronger now, he is also the one who make you a human. Try to understand that he become like that because of external interference, the frequency that trigger him to ‘act’.
This time around when you see something, take your brain with you, not just your heart. Let the brain and the heart see it together. The brain need understand how the heart is feeling and the heart need to understand how to act. Finally, the answer will just lie in front of you. You just didn’t see it all this time.”
Yes, that’s it. That’s all he said. And I think, maybe,…I now understand.