Hardy Chen Power Blog

6 January 2011.
Kota Medan BANJIR !

Terburuk sejak tahun 2002, tidak pernah terbayang bahwa proyek kanal anti banjir masih belum menyelesaikan persoalan banjir kota Medan. Ini sama seperti masa depan yang tidak pasti. Meskipun kita sudah banyak persiapan, bukan berarti kita pasti akan lepas dari bencana.
Mungkin yang kita perlukan adalah mental untuk menghadapi bencana !
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Being hurt… again
At first, I’m always hesitating. Why should I do something like this. This is stupid, I will only get hurt.But my other thoughts come. It said you can’t just reject everything. At least you should try. Pain is unevitable, but suffering is a choice (if not for today, it will for for future)
So, what did I got?
Pain.
I failed, and it made me feel unease.
I’m too tired to blame mistake on myself. I just feel pain, and then become emptiness – somehow I feel like I’m falling into the depth of misery.
I feel useless, unvaluable things that ever born in this world.I’m such a pessimistic.
I lost my focus, nearly trying to hate, but my other thoughts come again. It gave me advice not to blame anyone. They have nothing to do with all of this. And it made me to have no other choice to blame no one other than myself.

I can’t talk about my problem to anyone else, for they will only have a pity on me. I don’t want to worry anyone, or begging for their kindness. First reason is because I still have pride (one of the source of my difficulties).
Second reason is because I really don’t want to make them worry because of me and of course I know that the one who can help me is me, myself.

And then, in the middle of despair feeling, I found a little paper clip just in front of my eyes. You may not understand why just a paper clip would worth mentioned in here.
Before I made that decision, in which become the cause of my despairness, I’m trying to find this paper clip because I need it, but I can’t find it. I feel agitated..
But now, when what left is only an empty gaze, suddenly the paper clip showed up in front of my eyes.
I took it and I looked at it for a time being. Why can’t I find it that time?
I’m too confused that I missed it?

That brought me to realize that sometimes, we just need to take more attention to everything around us.
Sometimes what we need is not far away, sometimes it’s near. What we need is to pay more attention. Sometimes we don’t even have to try so hard, eventually we’ll find what we searching for.

I’m still contemplating.
But I can’t just forget everything else… Time to get back to work.
C ya.

How does it feel when your hope vanished in an instant?
Ask me and I’ll tell you.

It feel like shit. !

Yeah, you can tell that I’m exaggerated things, but in reality I feel like useless person.
And when things become complicated my only refuge is by meditating.

I don’t know whether I’m meditating just for the purpose to hide/runaway from reality or I really meditate for peace.

I don’t even see a slight difference of it.

Yes, maybe my mind is covered in dirt shit that I can’t clearly see what’s my real motivation.

No matter what, I’m brokenhearted.
Feels like I better die because I feel like I don’t have anything to cling on this world.
All the happiness and the joy that I feel last night, disappear without a single trace.

What the heck. !?
Sometimes I can easily give advice to people about how to live this life, but at other times, I can’t even handle my own problem properly.

I’m complaining but still can’t find any real solution.

It looks like I have to sort out my own problem, starting to think like I’m not the victim, just an observer.
After that, I have to see inside myself. What’s actually the source of the problem ?

It’s the expectation, wrong expectation, self-centered expectation that give a pain in my heart.

I should stop expect too much from the outside, and also from the inside.

The teacher once told me indirectly : true refuge is the trained mind. So, I think this is what I’ll do.
Remove all trash that stayed inside my mind. Learn to accept things. Learn to enjoy the flow. Learn to rest.

Yes. Resting is what I need right now. Leave all worries for the future me. Haha.

Great. !

Today is such a boring day. Off mood, don’t know what to do. Well, actually there’s a lot thing needs to be finished but I don’t have any willingness to do it.

What I do right now is just sitting on the kitchen, write some useless words and enjoy my coffee.

Life has become so quiet right?
No wonder some people tend to create trouble out there.

Maybe they’re just same like me. Bored to death??

Well, it’s actually understandable that a person sometimes think that they’re not wrong on what they’re believing. And if someone manage to pull out the truth, it would be assummed as offensive.

Recently I got a chit and chat with a girl. I pointed out some of her weakness, and her response is … predictable. She said she isn’t angry with me and she also said that I have the right to think that way and the hell she care about it.
Wooh… that’s bold statement and although she didn’t admit it I can say that she is fully angered with my way telling her about what I think about her.

Some people respect honesty, but some can’t just accept it with sincerity. Even though they said that they’re not angry, from the way they give the answer everyone can tell that they’re angry about it. Truth is good, but not everyone have a big enough heart to contain it. Well said

So, I think in the future I must change my strategy. Instead of telling the “sour truth” using themselves as examples, I’ll rather use myself as example, let the “sweet truth” become theirs.

If they’re not mature enough to see their own weakness, then it must be me who has to be mature enough to show them how I fix myself to become a better person.

My friends always said that my english is pretty good. But I didn’t quite agree with that.
In my personal opinion, english is not flexible, and of course you can blame it to my poor english vocabulary.

It’s much easier to comprehend english while listening than speaking. Speaking in english is a hell of disaster for me, since I often can’t find proper words to convey something I want to say.

My friend always tell me to learn by practice, but it’s really boring to practice english by yourself. It’s more interesting if you have a friend to practice english by conversation… but again.. I don’t have much of that sort of friends. sigh…

Where can I find someone with adequate english skill to practice with?
Any suggestion?

Today, surprisingly the weather is a lil bit cloudy.

Heh… to think about it, I always like this kind of weather, but one of my friend don’t like it. He said cloudy weather is like giving an impression that someone is sick.

Hm.. I think it’s just a matter of point of view.

To be honest, I hate sunny hot weather. But I always wonder why people in european country mostly like to take on vacation to tropical island? It’s hot in here you know !!!

Ha… maybe they are just bored with cold weather at their own country. It can be helped, of course.

In my country there’s a popular idiom : “neighbour’s grass is always greener than your own grass”. It means that we often feel that what we have is not as good as what the neighbour has. To sum it up, it also means that human will never satisfied with what they have, instead they’re always jealous with what other people had. What a pity, right?

We seemed to chase on a lot of things endlessly to the point that we forget to appreciate what we already had.

Greed is one of human problem. It consume your precious time without you knowing about it. It’s progressed to a degree that we actually don’t know what we want. We become confused, unsettled, lost in the middle of nowhere.

So, what would you gonna do if you come into this circumstances?

Honestly said, it once happened to me, and sometimes if I get lucky, I feel tired and easily forget anything. That’s the only time when I feel really relaxed. But most of time, I can’t let go of all my daily works, all my worries, and every stuffs in my head. It’s like your brain tied up to a strong iron chain that made you hard to let go all your problems.

I always said to myself that in order to free myself I need to rely on myself. Others can just give some help, but they will never be able to take the problems out of your head and finish it off at once. But sure, words is always easier to said than to be accomplished.

Argh… I think I gonna need good rest and meditate to calm my mind.

Hola… New chinese year finally come.
This is a year of Tiger. Tiger is a fierce animal, but in this year somehow tiger will make friends with piggies. Good news!

But you always know that the pig is always lazy. Even if you give them a plate of delicious cakes, maybe they are reluctant to walk for a few meter to get the food.

The same happens to me. Sigh… Maybe I’m already overslept these recent days.
The job is on waiting list. First, I need to complete my ebook about meditation. Then I have to finish my translation service website. It’s a lot of work of course. But it can’t be helped.

You must work diligently in order to achieve what you want in life, right?
No need to say, I’m sure that most of you will agree on what I said.

But, why… Why do my eyes can’t kept open in daytime. I’m half aware.

Maybe I’m lack of motivation. That’s why I need to sort out my priorities and the objectives, the goals I want to obtain in near future.

Work.. work… work… work… Sigh… Ganbatte !!!

I’m very excited.

I’m really exicited that people can live well only by playing game. Yea… maybe it’s not a game, but for me it just a game. A trick, merely a valuation game.

But still, I keep on wondering… we’ll always going up and down. For everything that happen to us, we tend to follow the flow. Is that good or bad?
Hmmm.. I don’t know, but maybe it’s neither good nor bad. And I guess I don’t have to care much about that.

Let’s see if my goal will become reality. At least some people will happy with my achievement, because I will share my winning prize with them. Hmmm… to be honest, maybe that’s not my achievement, because I get some help from unknown source, but I’ll still keep on working so I can win without any assistance.

And for you who are starting to think… STOP !!! I’m NOT cheating !!!
Cheating is not my style of playing.

I win because someone tell me how to win without CHEATING, but unfortunately that person didn’t teach me how it works, so I got to find it by myself. *sigh

GANBATTE !!